horrible history london tour

The Thrilling Horrible Histories Boat Tour Of The ‘Terrible Thames’ Is Returning To London

The immersive tour will take seafarers on a riotous voyage along the Thames, filled with heaps of history with the gory bits left in.

Calling all seasoned sailors or landlubbers alike, the Horrible Histories boat tour of the ‘Terrible Thames’ is back for its fourth year for a thrilling voyage through time on the murky waters of our greatest river.

The Horrible Histories team are putting on a Thames boat tour like no other. Bringing together the history of the Thames, with the gory bits left in in true Horrible Histories fashion , and incorporating immersive theatre as you and your shipmates travel along the river.

Passengers will be departing from Tower Bridge Quay for a riveting 45-minute round-trip cruise packed with the history of the Tower of London , Cleopatra’s Needle, and Execution Dock . There’ll also be fables of historical characters from the likes of King Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, Julius Caesar, Queen Boudicca and Jack the Ripper .

There’ll be two actors onboard conducting the immersive tour but unlike the Horrible Histories stage shows, the characters won’t be changing into historical costumes because of the fast-paced journey and the changing through different historical periods.

Since its debut in 2021, the seafaring experience has welcomed over a quarter of a million explorers aboard one of the most uniquely spirited ways to explore the history of the River Thames.

Much like Horrible Histories’ history book series and hit TV show, the boat tour will be riotous fun for both kids and adults. The tour will have the brand’s trademark fact-filled outlandish comedic flare that’ll make for a hoot of a seafaring experience.

The Horrible Histories Terrible Thames boat tour returns on March 23 , so grab your first mate, hoist the anchor and head out to the water mateys.

For more information and to book your tickets, head here .

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Terrible Thames review: the Horrible Histories boat tour

What do you get when you cross the creators of Horrible Histories with 2,000 years of drama along London’s riverbanks? The Terrible Thames boat tour, of course.

review post/contains affiliate links *

Launched in 2021, it quickly became an instant hit with families – we were invited along for a sneak preview for this Terrible Thames review, discovering tales of revolution, beheadings, pirates and the stomach-turning reason why Queen Victoria’s pleasure cruise lasted only minutes…

Joining ‘schoolboy’ Billy (whose family have been connected to pretty much every major event on the Thames) and his teacher, as we sailed from Tower Bridge to Westminster and back to Execution Dock, the pair made for a very funny double act as they whisked us through history.

The Terrible Thames tour itself only takes 45 minutes but it felt like they packed in twice that amount, including songs, just the right amount of audience participation, plus a great balance of fun and facts.

And all with the usual Horrible Histories recipe of gruesomely ridiculous, gory sound effects, plus plenty of toilet humour.

For more great London boat tours with kids , check out my pick of the best

Written by Terry Deary, creator of the Horrible Histories series, and the TV show’s director, Neal Foster, there were facts I hadn’t come across before (did you know there was a time capsule in the base of Cleopatra’s Needle?!).

While it’s pitched well for the young audience, the tour didn’t shy away from the difficult topics either, including slavery.

If your kids like the show, you’ll already have a good idea of what’s in store when it comes to the content though and it always stays on the right side of entertainingly educational rather than distressing.

My own eight-year-old was more upset about the stories of whaling than the swishing axe noises accompanying tales of beheading, for example.

While she often gets bored on boat trips along the river (unlike me!), this was one option which held her interest for the whole 45 minutes too.

From an adult point of view, you don’t go very far, as you travel round in a loop, but you see all the main central London sights in that round trip – including the Houses of Parliament, Tower Bridge, London Eye, HMS Belfast, the Shard and Tate Modern – before any boredom sets in.

Along the way, there’s plenty of chance to join in the fun too, including singing a few sea shanties and taking part in some choreographed clapping.

If your kids would rather swim in the Thames than get involved, there’s no problem being a silent member of the audience, especially if you’re not too close to the front, or stay by the sides rather than along the aisle.

Having a teacher and child performing is also a great way to engage the young audience, especially when it turns out that young Billy (or Billie, depending which pair of actors you get), knows a lot of the darker history of the Thames versus the teacher’s sanitised stories straight out of textbooks.

At times it does feel like there’s a barrage of facts, figures and trivia to follow – another reason it’s better for slightly older ones – but realistically, even if your kids only take in half of what they hear, it’s still a lot more than the average boat tour (or history lesson!)

And as it’s crammed with the kind of memorable stories kids love – that story about Queen Victoria’s pleasure cruise? Just think what the river would have been like before the city’s famous sewers were built! – it’s easily one of my favourite things to do in London with kids.

For more ideas of the best things to do in London with kids , check out my pick of the best

Terrible Thames review: need to know

Tickets cost from £25 for adults and from £15 for kids aged three to 15 (under-threes go free, although it’s aimed at age 5+). There are also family tickets available and you can buy gift vouchers.

The tour usually runs between early April and late October, daily during July and August, and most school holidays, otherwise at weekends only. In 2024, it’s starting on March 23 for the new season (as Easter and the Easter holidays are earlier this year)

There are several Terrible Thames tours every day, up to around nine during peak season.

There is indoor seating if the weather is bad but otherwise you’ll be in the open air on the top deck (we were far too entertained to notice the minor drizzle).

There are toilets on board, and a place to store buggies and scooters on the lower deck (these aren’t allowed on the upper deck)

The tour departs from Tower Bridge Quay near St Katherine’s Dock – it’s a short walk from the Tower of London itself (and a different pier from the other sightseeing boats along the Thames which dock at Tower Bridge pier). If you use the whatthreewords app, you’ll find the location at curiosity.pirate.rides .

For more tips on visiting London with kids, check out the Facebook group London With Kids which I help to run

Disclosure: We were given free tickets in exchange for this Terrible Thames review but all opinions are my own (and my small Horrible Histories fan). This post contains affiliate links – any purchases you make are unaffected but I may receive a small commission

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Award-winning family travel blogger and mum to the mini traveller, aka Minnie. Together we've visited Europe, America, the Caribbean, Africa and Asia, tried a cruise and a road trip, and survived countless long-haul trips. London (UK) based. Serious beach habit.

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Horrible Histories – Terrible Thames Tour

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Horrible Histories – Terrible Thames Tour (London) - All You Need to Know BEFORE You Go (2024)

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Horrible Histories’ Wicked Boat Tour

April 18, 2022 by Lucy Foxell Leave a Comment

Last Updated on April 18, 2022

All aboard the Terrible Thames – the Horrible Histories have taken to River Thames! 

The Horrible Histories Boat Tour – what a fabulous entertaining adventure for kids and adults alike. I’m already a firm fan of the hugely successful ‘Horrible Histories’ series. Author Terry Deary has now written over 100 Horrible History titles which are now recognised as being one of the world’s bestselling non-fiction books for children. These classic historical tales have also been turned into a CBBC television series and a movie.  And, the Birmingham Stage Company has produced several fabulously grisly Barmy Britain stage shows which have been seen around the world, which I, along with three young members of my family, have been lucky enough to see in London’s West End.

Now they have created the TERRIBLE THAMES, a fantastic tourist experience, which last summer entertained over 60,000 passengers, and due to its success the tour has been shortlisted for a London Tourism Award for New Tourism Business of the Year. It was with great excitement I took the three boys aged 11, 8 and 5 to set sail on an oar-inspiring Horrible Histories ‘Terrible Thames’ trip to learn about the country’s most famous river and the incredible history of London.

This theatrical boat tour is also written by Deary and Neal Foster who directed the theatre shows. Arriving in this wonderful part of the city is an adventure in itself, there was great interest as we walked past the Tower of London and along the river path before boarding the boat at Tower Bridge Quay, and taking our seats on the top deck of this Thames Riverboat. The youngest, Teddy, had never been on a boat before so he was thrilled and it just so happened to be a lovely spring day which was a bonus!

As you can imagine this was no ordinary boat trip, but one that takes you on an hour-long immersive theatre adventure where you can find out lots of interesting and unusual historic facts with a strong emphasis on the naughty bits. The premise is that schoolboy Billy has earned a trip on the Thames with his school teacher, as they sail the two of them divulge a series of quick-fire, fascinating facts and gruesome stories about the landmarks along the Thames.

The two actors did a remarkable job at keeping everyone entertained as we sailed past a series of London monuments and places of interest, with ghastly tales of Anne Boleyn’s beheading at the Tower of London and details about the Fire of London, the Clink prison, the wobbly Millennium Bridge, the frozen Thames and the Gunpowder Plot – that failed attempt to blow up the Houses of Parliament in 1605. All this was punctuated by yet more spine chilling tales and shocking facts.

When we sailed past London Bridge, we all sang ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’. We passed the Golden Hinde, which was captained by Sir Francis Drake and the famous Globe Theatre which has long been associated with William Shakespeare. We saw HMS Belfast, the Shard, the glistening Savoy Hotel, Big Ben, City Hall and much more. The boys laughed furiously at fart jokes and although some things went over Teddy’s head, all three of them thoroughly enjoyed this spirited experience.  And when the actors donned their pirate hats on the final leg of the tour we all sang a rousing rendition of ‘What Shall We Do with the Drunken Sailor?

The Terrible Thames  ‘Horrible Histories’ tour is a great way to see the sights, a perfect fun-filled day out in London for all the family and a brilliant way to give the kids a sense of the vast weight of London’s history.

Sailing times vary slightly, but there are usually six per day between 11.45 am and 16.45 pm.  

Embark at Tower Bridge Quay, E1W 1LD (not Tower Bridge Pier!)

ADVANCE TICKETS Adult – £22.00 (off-peak) £25.00 (peak) Senior – £20.00 (off-peak) £23.00 (peak) Child – £14.00 (off-peak) £15.00 (peak) Under 3’s – FREE. FAMILY TICKET – £65.00 (off-peak) £72.00 (peak) – (2x Adult 2x Child/1 Adult 3 x Child)

Ticket link: https://terriblethames.seetickets.com/

For Group bookings Please Phone: 0844 412 4650

TERRIBLE THAMES is hosted aboard Silver Sockeye, one of Woods Silver Fleet’s premier luxury sightseeing cruisers.   Birmingham Stage Company and Woods Silver Fleet are dedicated to improving the accessibility for all visitors to this experience and ask that any assisted wheelchair access that is required is booked in advance.

Please email [email protected] for more information.

About Lucy Foxell

Lucy comes from a background in the Theatre. She loves to soak up the wealth of live theatre and cultural activities London offers. She's passionate about photography and an enthusiastic foodie and fervent traveller, keen to explore as much of the world as possible.

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Horrible Histories: Terrible Thames review – behold the poop deck!

Tower Bridge Quay, London A teacher and his unruly student host a family tour of the capital’s river with scatological gags and gory stories aplenty

T hey’ve conquered cinema, telly and stages up and down the land. Now the Horrible Histories crew have commandeered a vessel for a lively show that’s part theatre, part sightseeing tour and fired by the same formula of shock and gore as the books.

Three years ago, we saw the bloodthirsty Terrible Tudors staged in the grassy moat at the Tower of London. This 45-minute river trip departs close by. Our hosts? Not a talking rat but a teacher and his unruly student (today played respectively by Roger Parkins and Harriet Munday, from a rotating cast). The pair are on a school trip, with the audience – including me and eight-year-old Hilda – becoming fellow students.

At least, we think that’s the idea. It’s all a bit of a blur at the start. In blazing sunshine, we take our seats on the deck and are soon cruising past London landmarks. In lieu of a plot, there’s a barrage of surprising facts and figures inspired by the buildings we pass. “It’s not just old history,” points out Hilda. We hear about the capital’s brand new 15-mile sewer, while a partygate gag by Westminster lets us reflect on the current stench in parliament.

But mostly it’s the kind of lineup you’d expect: Guy Fawkes, Mary Tudor, Boudicca and Julius Caesar are all given thumbnail sketches, their stories told at such a clip that you’re left missing or wanting more details. How come the Kray twins were at the Tower? Why can’t we hear more about the women who built Waterloo Bridge ? Who exactly was “my fair lady” in London Bridge’s nursery rhyme?

But no detail is spared, in Terry Deary and Neal Foster’s script, of exactly what it meant to be hanged, drawn and quartered. If you weren’t feeling seasick you might well turn green after the cascade of grisly stories, vomit gags and toilet-humour tunes. “They’re obsessed with poo,” whispers Hilda. In one scatological rhyming ditty we’re told exactly why the Thames smells so … er, stinky.

It’s all vigorously done, with Munday rampaging up and down the deck, occasionally joined in insurrection by the teacher. Hilda already knows one of their jokes but is ready to remember what’s brown and sounds like a bell (“dung!”).

There’s a smattering of audience involvement – “it’s a bit like a panto” – but at times it’s a bit much for her, especially London’s past as a whaling port (“poor whales!”) and the lose-lose scenarios for suspected witches put to the swimming test. Amid so much jollity it’s particularly queasy to hear light-hearted quips about more recent history such as the 1982 hanging of Roberto Calvi, dubbed “God’s banker”, as we pass beneath Blackfriars bridge. But the register dramatically changes for some powerful dialogue about London’s role in the slave trade and an account of the remarkable life of Ignatius Sancho.

In Birmingham Stage Company and Woods Silver Fleet ’s production, with the background noise of party boats and even the river police’s siren, rare moments of joy and stillness stand out. And on this baking summer day, the description of football games once played on the frozen Thames is somehow terribly affecting.

Horrible Histories: Terrible Thames is booking until 1 January.

• Children's theatre
• Horrible Histories

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I have a question and need to speak to customer service

Please email our customer service team on [email protected] or you can visit https://www.kxtickets.com/contact for more information.

If you purchased with another ticket provider please contact their customer service team to assist you.

Will I be dropped off where I boarded?

The tour is a round-trip and you will disembark at Tower Bridge Quay where you joined the trip.

How long is the boat trip?

The boat trip will last 45 minutes.

Are the boats heated/air conditioned?

Our boat has heating within the interior lower deck. It does not have air conditioning as the vessel is not a new build but we have plenty of windows for fresh air.

What if it is raining on the day of our trip?

Our top deck will always be open to customers to enjoy the amazing sights of London. However in the event of rain the performers will carry out the performance on the lower interior deck, which is fully enclosed with windows so you can also enjoy the sights of London on the Terrible Thames Tour.

Are your services wheelchair accessible?

As the Terrible Thames boat is not a new build we cannot offer step free access at present. A wheelchair lift and accessible bathroom facilities are in discussion to be installed. Please view our detailed accessibility information document HERE

Does the boat have an open deck area?

Our boat has two decks. The upper deck is fully open-air with wonderful views. The lower interior deck is fully enclosed with windows to enjoy the sights on the Terrible Thames Tour.

What if I miss my tour due to transport issues?

Travelling in London can often be impacted by engineering works, strikes and other incidents on public transport that are out of our control.

Please allow as much time as possible to get to your booked tour time so you are not disappointed.

Are there toilets on board?

Gender neutral toilet facilities are available on the lower deck of the vessel.

Is there a cloakroom on board?

We do not have cloakroom facilities for the Terrible Thames cruise. There is an allocated space to store items such as prams/pushchairs and scooters on the lower deck only. These items are not permitted on the upper deck.

Which pier does the Terrible Thames Tour sail from?

Our scheduled Terrible Thames cruise operates from Tower Bridge Quay (formerly St Katharine Pier) on the north bank of the Thames, east of Tower Bridge (in front of the Tower Hotel. Postcode – E1W 1LD. The pier is approximately 10 minutes walk from Tower Hill Underground Station.

Is there shelter on the pier?

There is no covered shelter on Tower Bridge Quay so please ensure you have appropriate attire to deal with the sometimes unpredictable English weather!

Will I get to see Horrible Histories characters onboard?

The tour is conducted by two actors, but unlike the Horrible Histories stage shows, they do not change into historical characters when telling the stories.

Will the characters be in costume?

You will be meeting two characters on board the boat but unlike the Horrible Histories stage shows, the fast speed of the journey through constantly changing historical periods means the characters do not change into historical costumes

How long in advance should I arrive at the pier?

We have a limited embark and disembark period for each Terrible Thames cruise. You should arrive in good time in order to board the vessel promptly at the time on your ticket. If you are buying tickets on the day, please allow some extra time to purchase.

Is food and drink available to purchase?

We are working on exciting plans to introduce food and drink, so watch this space, but until then you are able to bring your own snacks and drinks onboard.

Where can I park nearby?

The closest car parks near Tower Bridge Quay are City Quay Car Park, E1W 1AE or London Thomas More Square, E1W 1YU. Online booking in advance is recommended. Just Park also has available spaces online in the immediate area of the pier which can be pre-booked online for your desired date.

Is there an age restriction?

All ages are welcome, but children under the age of 15 must be accompanied by an adult on board. Children aged 0-3 go free, if seated on the lap of a parent or guardian. However, please note the tour is best suited for children aged 5 and above.

How long are the queues to board on the day?

We cannot predict passenger numbers for each cruise and length of queues will vary according to how busy each cruise is. However, boarding is swift and our host will be on site to assist whilst you are waiting to board the boat.

Do you check bags?

For security purposes we may from time to time undertake random bag searches or checks. This is done for the security of our passengers, crew and performers.

Are bikes allowed on-board?

We don’t allow bikes on board, although kids’ scooters are permitted and can be stored on the lower deck.

How long is the cruise?

45 enthralling minutes!

I want to bring my dog on board with me - is this possible?

Assistance Dogs are allowed on all Terrible Thames cruises at the Captain’s discretion. We ask you to contact the reservations team to book your ticket in advance. Please see our accessibility statement for more information and inform [email protected]

I lost something on board? Who shall I contact?

If you think you have lost an item of property aboard the vessel, you should notify us via our social media channels. Please provide full descriptive details of your item, details of when and where it was lost, and full contact information so that we can get back in touch. Terrible Thames cannot accept responsibility for any items that may have been lost on board.

Terms and Conditions

Terms and conditions are subject to the provider you have booked your ticket with. If your ticket was purchased via our official website, terms and conditions can be found at https://www.kxtickets.com/terms-conditions

Can I buy my tickets online?

Yes, you can purchase all our ticket types on the Terrible Thames Website www.terriblethames.com

Do you accept all methods of payment?

You can pay online using VISA,  MASTERCARD or AMERICAN EXPRESS.

How do I book a family ticket?

When booking please select 2 adults and 2 children or 1 adult and 1 child and the family discount will be applied automatically at checkout.

What is your refund and exchange policy?

Refund protection can be offered, details of which are here https://www.kxtickets.com/ticket-refund-protection

Can I buy tickets on the day? Do I need to book tickets in advance?

We recommend tickets are bought in advance as ticket availability on the day is not guaranteed. However, it is not compulsory to book Terrible Thames Tour in advance. These can be purchased at our dedicated pier Tower Bridge Quay (Next to Tower Bridge) on the day of travel. We request all groups 10+ are booked in advance with the reservations department prior to travel.

Are there any fees on top of the ticket prices?

We do not charge booking fees but there is a £1.50 transaction fee

Can I pay cash on the day?

We are currently not accepting cash bookings on the day, but you can purchase tickets at Tower Bridge Quay on the day using a debit/credit card.

Are you able to accommodate large groups?

We are able to accommodate public groups up to 120 on our boat.

Groups sized 10 – 30 can book online and the groups discount will automatically be applied to your tickets when you purchase them.

You can also book directly with the team at [email protected]

Can I change the date and time of my booking?

Please ensure that all information is correct at the point of purchase as tickets may not always be able to be changed. For assistance, please email [email protected]

Do I have to print out my ticket?

Passengers have to bring their printed ticket to board the cruise or show their ticket on a mobile device.

How do I get the tickets I booked online?

You will receive a confirmation email with a printable e-ticket attached as a PDF. Additionally, please write down your booking reference number. If you don’t receive the email or have a query about your booking, please contact your point of purchase.

Is it possible to claim a refund?

Tickets are non-refundable after purchase. If you have an extreme circumstance beyond your control, please email our customer service team at [email protected] Please check your refund policy of the company you purchased from.

LONDON FOR KIDZ

Terrible Thames Tour review: A terribly good London adventure for families

All aboard for a fourth season of London's terribly good adventure for families! Yep, from the brains behind Horrible Histories comes this fun-packed branch of horribleness, its Horrible Histories Live on Board: Terrible Thames Tour ! We recently walked the plank to catch all the adventure, so here's our review and all the deets you need to make a splash on your next trip into London with kids .

Set sail on the Terrible Thames Tour

If you have a kid between the age of around 4-12 years then there's no getting away from their love of all things a bit gross, including Terry Deary's wildly successful Horrible Histories . So, now we've read the books, and watched the TV shows, it's time to set sail on a new kind of horrible adventure: The Terrible Thames Tour!

This hour (ish) long clipper boat tour kicks off near the Tower of London and heads down to Westminster and back while skipping the pleasantries of the usual Thames kinda tours, and instead focuses on the rather grotty, darker side of the waterway, as told via 'Billie' and her teacher, an acting duo who had us chuckling for the entire trip. The action-packed script is Written by Deary and the show’s director, Neal Foster, and it's quick, it's witty and, most importantly, filled with stench jokes, fart references and gruesome deaths which, of course, utterly appeals to the kiddos on every level. Tourists and locals alike will love the humour, the tales, the songs and, most of all, the fact that your kids will be entertained for an hour without them even realising that they're actually learning quite a lot of history along the merry way. Win, win.

What did our kids think?

Rafferty, age 12, had this to say:

"I would give the Terrible Thames Tour 10/10 because it wasn't boring like some tours and also I really liked the drink they gave me. Also it is pretty disgusting that people used to dump their pee and poo in the river! I don't think I would have liked to have gone on a boat on the Thames in those days. I also felt very sorry for the people hiding on boats from the plague and then they got the plague anyway because they forgot about the rats and the fleas on their boats. I think I am very lucky I am alive now and not then."

And Angelica, age 16:

"It was interesting and the acting was good and the actors made me laugh. I didn't know that women were tried as witches on the Thames and that was pretty awful that they died whether they were found guilty or not guilty. I was also surprised at how many people have died in the Thames: it must be very haunted!"

All the deets

When and where: Daily sailings from Tower Bridge Quay, London. Please book in advance.

Cost: Adults £25.00 (15+). Child £15.00 (4-14). Infants Free (0-3). Family & Group tickets also available.

Website: www.terriblethames.com

Anchors away and you're all set to sail: have a horribly good time, shipmates!

* Top image courtesy of Terrible Thames.

* London for Kidz were gifted tickets for this experience for the purposes of this review.

Other fun stuff to do in London

London for Kidz guide to London museums

London for Kidz guide to London theatre for kids

London for Kidz guide to the Tower of London

London for Kidz guide to farms in London

London for Kidz guide to country parks in London

London for Kidz guide to The Clink Prison Museum

Don't forget to also follow us for more adventures over on Instagram and Facebook and to sign up for free on the website to keep up to date on our new reads.

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Terrible Thames Horrible Histories

Last Updated on March 8, 2024 by Suzy McCullough

New for 2021 is the Horrible Histories-themed Terrible Thames tour . This is a riverboat cruise on the Thames in London. The boat sails from Tower Bridge Quay, next to Tower Bridge.

What is the Terrible Thames Horrible Histories tour?

Onboard the boat be prepared to hear the horrible history of the most famous river in the world. “Tremble in terror at the Tower. Sizzle at the Savoy. Give Cleopatra the needle. Be washed away at Westminster. Lose yourself at Lambeth. Get gobsmacked by the globe. Hold onto your head and London Bridge and escape from Execution Dock”.

They also cover the stories of King Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, Julius Caesar, the Duke of Wellington, Queen Boudicca, Jack the Ripper and Captain Kidd. That’s a lot of history to get through in 45 minutes and don’t worry they leave the nasty bits in!

The tour is brought to you by award-winning theatre producers the Birmingham Stage Company and Wood’s Silver Fleet. Together they bring you their extensive experience of performance and river sightseeing, tours to create an experience like no other. The tour is conducted by two actors, they do not change into historical characters when telling the stories. The tour is more suited to children aged 5 and over, however, children of all ages are welcome.

Important Information Terrible Thames Horrible Histories

What are the main things to do.

Riverboat cruise of the Thames historical (and gruesome) stories of London’s past history brought to you by two actors.

What are the ticket prices?

Tickets are cheaper if purchased in advance. An adult ticket costs £25, children 4-15 £15 and children under 4 are free. Family tickets are available. Prices are subject to change and/or discounts online.

Is there parking?

There is limited parking nearby and charges apply. There are tube stations nearby which is a much better option.

When are they open?

They run from around springtime until late October with extra sailings during school holidays. Please visit their website for up-to-date information.

Are they accessible?

Information on accessibility .

Dog friendly?

Only assistance dogs are permitted.

Please note the map is not exact. Address is – Tower Bridge Quay, St Katharine’s Way, London E1W 1LD

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Terrible Thames

Horrible Histories proudly presents its wicked river tour of the Terrible Thames! After two terrific years, we’re sailing into 2023! So climb aboard and prepare to hear the horrible history of the most famous river in the world! Tremble in terror at the Tower! Sizzle at the Savoy! Give Cleopatra the needle! Be washed away at Westminster! Lose yourself in Lambeth! Get gobsmacked by the Globe! Hold onto your head at London Bridge and escape from Execution Dock! Take a dive with Horrible Histories into the stories of King Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, Julius Caesar, Queen Boudicca, Jack the Ripper and Captain Kidd, in this history of the Thames with the nasty bits left in!

‘A fun, enjoyable, spirited alternative to more po-faced London tourism – may it sail on and on!’

‘A terribly good London adventure for families – it appeals to the kiddos on every level’

‘A rip-roaring, riotous sightseeing tour kids and adults will never forget!’

Customers with Access requirements will be able to purchase a full price ticket for any cruise, subject to availability. One additional carer/companion ticket will be made available free of charge, subject to availability. Please note both guests must have a valid ticket for entry. Any additional tickets required will be chargeable at the standard admission rate.  To book a companion ticket please email [email protected]

VENUE INFORMATION

Terrible Thames Tours

Tower Bridge Quay is situated on the north bank of the Thames, on the east side of Tower Bridge, and immediately in front of the Tower Hotel. The pier is approx. 10 minutes walk from Tower Hill Underground station. DO NOT GO TO TOWER BRIDGE PIER!

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Underground and Train

The nearest mainline station is London Bridge, the nearest underground station is Tower HIll

The 15, and 100 are a short distance away.

The tour is a round-trip and you will disembark at Tower Bridge Quay where you joined the trip.

Our boat has heating within the interior lower deck. It does not have air conditioning as the vessel is not a new build but we have plenty of windows for fresh air.

Our top deck will always be open to customers to enjoy the amazing sights of London. However in the event of rain the performers will carry out the performance on the lower interior deck, which is fully enclosed with windows so you can also enjoy the sights of London on the Terrible Thames Tour.

Our boat has two decks. The upper deck is fully open-air with wonderful views. The lower interior deck is fully enclosed with windows to enjoy the sights on the Terrible Thames Tour.

Travelling in London can often be impacted by engineering works, strikes and other incidents on public transport that are out of our control.  Please allow as much time as possible to get to your booked tour time so you are not disappointed.

Gender neutral toilet facilities are available on the lower deck of the vessel.

We do not have cloakroom facilities for the Terrible Thames cruise. There is an allocated space to store items such as prams/pushchairs and scooters on the lower deck only. These items are not permitted on the upper deck.

Our scheduled Terrible Thames cruise operates from Tower Bridge Quay (formerly St Katharine Pier) on the north bank of the Thames, east of Tower Bridge (in front of the Tower Hotel. Postcode – E1W 1LD. The pier is approximately 10 minutes walk from Tower Hill Underground Station.

There is no covered shelter on Tower Bridge Quay so please ensure you have appropriate attire to deal with the sometimes unpredictable English weather!

The tour is conducted by two actors, but unlike the Horrible Histories stage shows, they do not change into historical characters when telling the stories.

You will be meeting two characters on board the boat but unlike the Horrible Histories stage shows, the fast speed of the journey through constantly changing historical periods means the characters do not change into historical costumes.

We have a limited embark and disembark period for each Terrible Thames cruise. You should arrive in good time in order to board the vessel promptly at the time on your ticket. If you are buying tickets on the day, please allow some extra time to purchase.

The Production are working on exciting plans to introduce food and drink, so watch this space, but until then you are able to bring your own snacks and drinks onboard.

The closest car parks near Tower Bridge Quay are City Quay Car Park, E1W 1AE or London Thomas More Square, E1W 1YU. Online booking in advance is recommended. Just Park also has available spaces online in the immediate area of the pier which can be pre-booked online for your desired date.

All ages are welcome, but children under the age of 15 must be accompanied by an adult on board. Children aged 0-3 go free, if seated on the lap of a parent or guardian. However, please note the tour is best suited for children aged 5 and above.

We cannot predict passenger numbers for each cruise and length of queues will vary according to how busy each cruise is. However, boarding is swift and our host will be on site to assist whilst you are waiting to board the boat.

For security purposes we may from time to time undertake random bag searches or checks. This is done for the security of our passengers, crew and performers.

We don’t allow bikes on board, although kids’ scooters are permitted and can be stored on the lower deck.

If you think you have lost an item of property aboard the vessel, you should notify us via our social media channels. Please provide full descriptive details of your item, details of when and where it was lost, and full contact information so that we can get back in touch. Terrible Thames cannot accept responsibility for any items that may have been lost on board.

Passengers have to bring their printed ticket to board the cruise or show their ticket on a mobile device.

Access Information

As the Terrible Thames boat is not a new build we cannot offer step free access at present. A wheelchair lift and accessible bathroom facilities are in discussion to be installed. Please view our detailed accessibility information document  HERE

Assistance Dogs are allowed on all Terrible Thames cruises at the Captain’s discretion. We ask you to contact the reservations team to book your ticket in advance. Please see our accessibility statement for more information and inform [email protected]

Horrible Histories – Terrible Thames Tour

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Horrible Histories – Terrible Thames Tour - All You Need to Know BEFORE You Go (2024)

London’s Horrible Histories Boat Tour is brilliant

What’s the best way to see London’s main sights , learn about the horrible history of the most famous river in London and ensure the kids don’t complain? Take a trip on board the Horrible Histories boat tour , and discover the Terrible Thames .

The best selling book series ‘Horrible Histories’ by Terry Deary have already been brought to life with a TV series and on stage by Neal Foster and now they’re hitting the high seas – or rather the Thames river.

The hugely popular Horrible Histories series – that shares historical facts while highlighting all the nasty bits – is a fun and engaging way for children (and their parents!) to learn.

Terrible Thames launched two years ago and has been a huge success , returning during the warmer school holidays for a sensational sightseeing tour of the River Thames. Here’s what to expect. 

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. I have been or could be if you click on a link in this post compensated via a cash payment, gift or something else of value for writing this post. See our full disclosure policy  for more details.

The Horrible Histories boat tour

Table of Contents

Like most Horrible History stories the idea behind the Terrible Thames is to bring the past alive and transform dull dates and boring facts into stories that kids might actually remember.

This means using laugh-out-loud immersive theatre to bring the dark and gory history of the Thames to life.

Your guide for your Horrible Histories boat tour is Billie , a schoolchild who has won a special trip along the River Thames with her teacher. Both actors are from the Birmingham Stage Company . Together the duo trade titbits, offer nuggets of information and try and outdo one another with gruesome stories . Billie, in particular, draws on her family’s long London lineage to share fun facts, curious tales and, of course, fart jokes.

The dialogue is fast and furious and you often have only seconds to digest one snippet of history before the pair move onto the next intriguing fact. The dialogue is fast and furious and you often have only seconds to digest one snippet of history before the pair move onto the next intriguing fact.

In fact, my only criticism would be that the pace is a little too fast at times  – it’s hard to take in  all  the information as well as the amazing sights of London.

Nevertheless, the performance is funny . Very funny. The script manages to achieve that magical balance of entertaining kids and making parents chuckle too. When we travelled on board there were some very well-timed quips about Boris Johnson and parties at No. 10 Downing Street that went down very well with the older members of the audience.

All aboard! 

So, what do you learn on board the Horrible Histories boat tour?

Well, for starters, you learn that the River Thames has the most fascinating history. During the cruise Billie and her teacher cover incredible stories of King Henry VIII , Anne Boleyn, Julius Caesar, Queen Boudicca, Jack the Ripper , the Duke of Wellington and Captain Kidd.

There are tales of treason and pirates , revolutions and beheadings, and even some sea shanties towards the end of the cruise when the while boat is encouraged to join in singing ‘What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor?’

The tour also shares facts that even born and bred Londoners might not know such as the time capsule buried beneath Cleopatra’s Needle! It was planted by Victorians in 1878 and is apparently filled with (among other things) portraits of ‘pretty ladies’ as well as a painting of Queen Victoria.

The Horrible Histories boat tour takes a loop along the river taking in the main central London sights along the way including the Houses of Parliament (the Palace of Westminster), London Eye , Tower Bridge, London Bridge, HMS Belfast, the Shard and the Tate Modern.

It’s a fantastic journey, a unique take on the standard sightseeing tour, the chance to see some glorious views of London , and a great way for the whole family to explore the city together.  It’s easily one of the best things to do in London with kids .

The Terrible Thames Boat Tour – all you need to know

There are multiple daily sailings during the school holidays with sailing during the Easter holidays and May half term . Sailings during the summer holidays start on 13 July. Do book your boat trip in advance.  The trip lasts 45 minutes.

The tour departs from Tower Bridge Quay near St Katherine’s Dock on the north bank of the Thames, not far from the Tower of London . The nearest tube stop is Tower Hill underground station.

The Terrible Thames tour takes place on board open air Thames Clippers. If you’re lucky enough to time your trip for a sunny day then the performance takes place on the upper deck .  In the event of rain, the performance will take place on the lower interior deck. Although the top deck is definitely the best for seeing London’s most iconic landmarks , you can still get good views from the lower deck. 

Where: The tour departs from Tower Bridge Quay near St Katherine’s Dock. It’s not far from the Tower of London.

Horrible Histories boat tour prices: 

Adult / Child £25/15

Family Ticket (2 adults, 2 children) £70

Family Ticket (1 adult, 3 children) £60

The Terrible Thames website

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Horrible Histories - Terrible Thames

Sail onboard horrible histories - terrible thames for a history of the thames like no other, with a q+a with co-writer/director neal foster afterwards, dates and times.

Horrible Histories proudly presents its wicked river tour - Terrible Thames! Take a dive with Horrible Histories into the stories of King Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, Julius Caesar, Queen Boudicca, Jack the Ripper and Captain Kidd, in this history of the Thames with the nasty bits left in! There are incredible stories, glorious views, exciting sea shanties and even the chance to sing yourself! Join us on our special sailings which include a Q+A after your sailing, and why not come dressed up?

Getting to us

Where to find us.

Tower Bridge Quay, St Katharine's Way, London E1W 1LD

Closest Pier: Tower Pier

Calling at 24 piers throughout the day, the Uber Boat by Thames Clippers service is the perfect way to navigate the festival, in spacious comfort above ground. Find out more

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Horrible Histories – Terrible Tudors Tickets

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About Horrible Histories – Terrible Tudors

Horrible histories: terrible tudors london tickets.

Horrible Histories returns to the West End this Summer with the terrific Terrible Tudors. Laugh your way through history as it lives (and dies) in front of your very eyes. Book your tickets to the gloriously gory show today!

What is Horrible Histories: Terrible Tudors about?

It might be nice to really connect with history, feel like it was speaking to you. The trouble is everyone’s already dead.

Fear not, Horrible Histories have you covered. Settle in and meet people from history. There are horrid Henries and an evil Elizabeth, pull up a seat and prepare to hear the lore (and the lies) surrounding the torturing Tudors.

What became of the headless wives of Henry? Was there really a punch up with the Pope? Meet Bloody Mary and watch as Ed falls dead in his bed and survive the Spanish Armada. Whoever said history was boring didn’t know you could leave the nasty bits in!

Horrible Histories on stage!

The Horrible Histories stage shows have toured around the UK playing since the first premiered in 2005.

Based on the international smash-hit and award-winning book series penned by author Terry Deary , the critically acclaimed Horrible Histories series is brought to life on stage by Neal Foster and the Birmingham Stage Company . More than a dozen different Horrible Histories shows have been staged so far, as part of their West End invasion!

Facts and critical acclaim

• Following two critically acclaimed runs in the West End, plus a terrific turn at the Tower of London and smash-hit UK tour, Horrible Histories: Terrible Tudors is now in its third gloriously gruesome year!
• London Theatre praised the shows ‘great blend of absurd jokes and very horrific history.’ Whereas The Guardian loved it’s ‘silly stories, grisly gags and revolting rhymes.’
• Horrible Histories: Terrible Tudors book was published more than 30 years ago. Since then, there have been more than 60 titles published in over 30 languages, selling more than 25 million copies worldwide.

Please bear in mind

This production is recommended for ages 5+

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