How to deal with lies in a relationship

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Why do we lie — ever? Most importantly — how do you bring your relationship back into balance, so that you can experience the power created by telling the truth and being in integrity. Your browser does not support the audio element. What constitutes a lie? Lying is not an exact science, rather it occurs on a continuum, with several distinct types:.

Deliberate lies: Making up information, or giving the opposite of the truth no versus yes. Why do we lie? The good the bad and the ugly. Lying always has a purpose, and is often resulting from a need to protect something. What is crucial to consider is the motivation behind the lie, and what in fact the individual is trying to protect. Is it their ego? Their sense of security? Fear of shame? In other cases lies are told in order to avoid conflict or tension, or to avoid hurt feelings. We also lie to advance ourselves, enhance our image, protect ourselves, or gain power. While there are minor seemingly loving lies that are told in order to protect the bond, it is almost always more successful to protect the relationship through truth telling, as risky and scary as it may seem.

Everyone, whether currently coupled or not, can take time to ask: Am I really telling myself the truth about my own experience? How well do I know myself? How much am I able to communicate what I know about myself? These questions are incredibly potent to hold as a relationship begins to unfold.

Mostly to oneself. Amidst the adrenaline and excitement of new love, many people do not pay attention to their own wishes, desires, or needs. What really matters to me? This is natural because when people first come together there is a strong desire to try and be the same. They may knowingly and unknowingly minimize differences and emphasize ways they are alike in order to prove compatibility to each other, and find alignment. This can actually be a cute, sweet, profound, and important process, however where it goes from here is the make or break…. Failure to differentiate usually from one or both partners being conflict avoidant, meaning that they hold the basic fear that conflict will lead to rupture or collapse of the relationship.

Because they are seeking security above all else, they are willing to overcompensate or over adapt for long periods of time in order to keep the illusion of permanence in the relationship. This begins by the conflict avoidant partner not expressing their desires, needs or wishes, and frequently includes lies by omission. This partner gives more and more of themselves, ignoring important parts of themselves, until they either collapse, become depressed, develop secret anger, etc. The stakes are high, and as one partner becomes more and more adamant that such and such is NOT happening, the other partner may even begin to question their own sanity.

Often at this point trust has been so violated that couples usually separate as it is rare to be able to piece everything back together. If you guys want to try to work through it on your own make sure to slow down. Often the partner who has lied is in a hurry to heal and looks to find solutions quickly. Let your partner express their feelings, all of them, and allow them to ask LOTS of questions. It takes a long time and it takes a lot of small things done daily. Do what you say you are going to do.

It is common to experience disillusionment as new love matures! Realizing truths can come after commitments have been made, and need not incite panic. Inviting truth and how to AVOID becoming conflict avoidant: In order for couples to evolve well and enter into a growthful process from the honeymoon phase, it is key to start substantial truth telling early on. Each partner speaks up about things that are important and matter to them, even at the risk of moving into areas of disagreement.

Although the early years of differentiation are not always easy, there are many moments of growthful tension. It takes courage not only from the one who tells their truth, but from the partner who is willing and able to truly listen and hear their partner share!

Somebody becomes a lie invitee when they do not fully collaborate on the commitment to truth telling. For example, when your partner shares honestly and with integrity with you and you attack them or shame them, they will inevitably think twice about being honest in the future, thus leading to increased deception. Are you being reactive instead of responsive? Are you being a martyr? Acting above? Playing victim?

Truth telling is a collaborative processso always stay AWARE of your participation in what goes on in your relationship. Explore this, meditate on it, discuss it, play with it, reject it, embrace it, and notice. Notice how you react and respond. Come clean with grace and generosity. When you become aware of a place in which you have not been totally honest with your partner, do not rush into confession.

There is an art to everything, confessions included. If you are going to express a difficult truth, give your partner a loving he up.

This is not advised! It is as if you hit your partner with two arrows instead of one, stinging them once with your news, and second with the selfishness of your delivery. You can also experiment together. Then take turns! Give this platform a try and see if it eases or shifts any stuckness in your communication patterns. Truth is a process and the key is to build a culture of truth telling in your partnership- Nobody is totally honest all of the time, but if you can start talking more openly about how to give and receive honesty before the nitty grittys come crawling out of the closets, the monsters from under the bed, those once upon a time white lies get revealed, it will make all the difference in the world.

The more hiding you are doing the less vibrancy and energy is available for the relationship and for your life. Reposted with permission from Neil Sattin and the Relationship Alive podcast.

Pete has been training and coaching couples to become a strong team since when he co-founded The Couples Institute with his psychologist wife, Ellyn Bader. Need help. Losing all my friends over my lying.

Everyone now know I am not honest person. Lying is a choice. Lying destroys trust. Our therapist says that lying is abuse. If you can not stop lying than you are an abuser, and should seek help to stop abusing people. Own your mistakes. Good luck. I want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to Robinson. I pray God almighty give you the strength and wisdom to help more people having similar problem like mine.

I lied to take the easy way out of relationship and begin a new one. That lied carried into my new relationship and imploded. I now have lost all trust with the one I truly care about and working, hoping to get them back. The first step was admitting the truth, not to just them, but to myself, that I made these lies and I need to be more honest with myself.

Telling myself that I need to change who I am, and I am working on that. It re in this article not to rush into confession and the healing process, that is so true.

How to deal with lies in a relationship

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